Give a moment’s silence for recruiters and employers who have to read this stuff in resumes and cover letters. I’m no friend of recruiters but these seems unusually harsh treatment. The examples are from the UK recruiters.
Cover Letter
“Why should you employ me? I bring doughnuts on Fridays.”
“Please disregard the attached CV; it’s totally outdated.”
“Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”
“I would be prepared to meet at your earliest convenience to discuss what I can do to your company.”
“I’m submitting my CV to spite my lack of C++ and HTML experience.”
“I have guts, drive and heart which is probably more than a lot of the other drones that work for you.”
“Dear Sir/Modem.”
“Peekaboo! I just hacked your webcam and I am watching you read this…”
“I’m sick of writing these ‘pedestrian’ cover letters; you’re sick of reading them.”
“Sorry for any incontinence.”
“I’m not going to waste your time by lying. I have no skills, yet.”
“For the sake of my sanity, please hire me!”
“I am intrested in any job use have avaiable if u could please send vercation that reciceved the email.”
“looking for a party-time position.”
“I have something up my sleeve for you – it’s called inspiration.”
“I have a lot of integrity so I promise not to steal office supplies and take them home.”
Personal Profile
“My favourite colour is Taupe, cos it rhymes with Dope.”
“i don’t like to play by the rules… sometimes that gets me in trouble.”
“I have convictions (drug offences) which are spent some 30 years ago for when I was 16-18.”
“I hate my job.”
“I be no stranger to double-entry. I loves numbers, and my wife and I loves journals and ledgers!”
“Current Salary: £28,000. Desired Salary: £170,000.”
“I have a driving license. But I’m not exactly supposed to drive.”
“My real passion is cocking.”
“If I told you, I’d have to kill you.”
“Desired Position: Profreader.”
“Number of dependents: 40.”
“Once upon a time, there was a princess named Sue…”
“Martial Status: Celibate.”
“Email: ilostmybabies@yahoo.com”
Work History
“Whilst working in this role, I had intercourse with a variety of people
“Left last four jobs only because the managers were completely unreasonable”
“Responsibilities included recruiting, interviewing and executing final candidates.”
“Any interruption in employment is due to being unemployed.”
“Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.”
“Dispensed medication and passed out.”
“References: Clare”
“May – June 2013: Decorated my parents house”
“Size of Employer: Very tall, probably over 6’5″.”
“I’m working today in a furniture factory as a drawer”
“Night stalker in Tesco”
“Please note from my CV I have 6 years buying, negotiating and sock-control experience”
“Whilst working in the hairdressers I had to deal with a lot of old biddies”
Key Achievements
“Being sober”
“Planned building of new building at £2.5 million over budget.”
“I’ve won a variety of eating competitions, across the world.”
“I came first in the (primary) school long distance race.”
“I forced myself to like olives.”
“Divorcing my wife.”
“Meeting Tom Jones.”
“Starred in a pornographic film.”
“National record for eating 23 pancakes in 2 minutes.”
“Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”